Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The end of Chemo and a Confession

On March 8th I had my sixth and final chemo. YEA! My hubby picked up my older 2 kids from school and had them bring me lunch and flowers to the lab. Neither of them had gotten to see what chemo was like, and they both had bunches of questions about how it all worked, but by the time that last hour had passed, they had seen enough and were glad they could take me home. I was glad to be done, and settled in for the 5 days of misery that I had endured 5 times before, knowing this would be the end of it.

The 5 days passed pretty uneventfully - I was sick; I slept; I took my meds just as usual.

Then Tuesday happened. I went to Bible Study as usual. #3 and I got lunch, and then I picked up some groceries before getting the older 2 kids from school. Then I started itching. I thought I had just gotten some bug bites while waiting outside to pick up the kids. By dinnertime, I mentioned to my sweet friend who brought dinner to our house that I needed to find the benadryl lotion to put on these crazy bug bites. By bedtime, I was covered in hives over 75% of my body. After taking some benadryl and waiting, the hives seemed to chill out, and I fell asleep thinking the worst was over.

When I woke Wednesday, I started breaking out in hives again, and a call to the doctor was in order, but just before the office opened, my throat started closing. I drove straight to the doctor's office, and they gave me IV benadryl and steroids and fluids (because my blood pressure tanked too). This helped, and the doc sent me home with more meds to take in case it happened again. And it did....ongoing....for the next 5 days. There were more hives, more trips to the doctor, lots of benadryl, lots of crying and worrying and frustration because we really couldn't put a finger on what was causing it and nothing really was making it stop.

I saw a friend at church, and she said to me, "What's up with the hives?"
"I wish I could figure it out," was my weak response.
"Like you need to deal with one more thing," she added.
"Right!" I responded, feeling a sense of anger, resentment and entitlement, because after all I've been through already, I didn't need one more thing. I wanted to be better. I wanted to be done.
I had a few conversations similar to the one above, and they all ended with that same feeling of anger and resentment and entitlement...It made me feel yukky inside.

I kinda stayed in that funk most of the weekend. I didn't realize how much it was affecting my viewpoint until I heard our Student Choir sing Blessed Be Your Name with our Worship Pastor. They sang....
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away!
You give and take away!
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your Name!

I don't know why I thought I was entitled to a quick and uneventful recovery, but I did, and I'm sorry. I was angry that I couldn't just feel good and be done with chemo. I wanted to celebrate being done. Maybe it's because God's not done with me. God gives. God takes away.   His Name is Blessed.
I'm sorry that in the past few days, I have forgotten that.   


  1. Sarah,
    I have many, many times experienced the feelings you write about here...this same "really?! After all I've been thru...and with a pretty good attitude, no less?!!" ha! :) But I have found that recognizing it and asking God to help give perspective is the key to moving on with joy. I think so many people (especially those dealing with health issues) LIVE IN this place. I run into them all the time, and you can tell resentment has eaten them from the inside out. I pray to never become one of those people, no matter what God chooses for my life.
    So bravo, Sarah. For recognizing it, and for working to leave it behind! It's a tough battle some days, but so worth it.
    So thrilled you are DONE with chemo! You're future is bright, girl! Love you! Kristen

  2. Such sweet lessons He has taught you Sarah! Thanks for taking the time to share and Proclaim His Goodness. The love you show for Him is sweet and shows He truly is your FATHER!!

  3. Thanks Kristen & Sabrina for taking the time to comment. Your words come from experience & they mean a lot to me.

  4. I have tried to comment two other times, and it keeps messing up so now I'm super late to the congrats, but CONGRATS on finishing! I know it's a good feeling. Ugh on that reaction, though!


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